an open letter from your one and only daughter

 

Dear Ibu,

    Last August was supposed to be your 59th birthday (if you're still alive). Meanwhile, I'll turn 25 in the next 4 months. Whew, time flies so fast especially when you're not around. Even if you're no longer around, you're still on my mind on some days (or should I say, all the time?). But today, it just hits harder, probably because I'm starting a new job next Monday. YEAH I got a new job ibu 😽 Oh wait... Oh no, I think there's A LOT of things that you've missed out.. Yelah 13 years without you kot! Can you imagine how hard is it to grow without you for 13 freaking years? Okay, sorry, not your fault that you had to leave first. I bet you don't even want to leave at the first place. Okay ibu, it's time to recap on those 13 years! 

    For starter, yes, I finished school! 🎉 I got 7As for PMR and only 6As for SPM, which both didn't really hit my target but the past is past 🌟 Oh yeah, I broke up with A in 2013 and the last time we spoke to each other was through Instagram DM on my birthday in 2020 (before I was removed from the following/followers lists). :'( But that's okay, God replaced A with another A, B, F, and I, my new soulmates 💖 Okay moving on, after school, I got myself.... a law degree! I think you might be surprised as to why did I take law. Don't worry Ibu, it was fate all along (I think lah hahah).

    Not long after I finished law school, I kicked off my journey to be a legal practitioner. I started my pupillage/chambering in October 2020. To be honest Ibu, that was one of the hardest journeys I've ever went through. The thoughts of you giving me support throughout my chambering journey were always there. I wanted you to be there, to accompany me. Alas, I had no choice but to persevere. There were times when your dad, abahtok fell ill and I had to go back and forth from KL to JB. I was worried because what if.. what if he's also leaving me? I'm not ready for that although I know well that he's been sick for the past few years. But at the end of my chambering, your beloved mom, my beloved maktok passed away all of sudden. It happened during MCO which reminds me of the time when you passed away (it was hard to visit people in the hospitals, remember?). Somehow, I managed to cross state and bid farewell for the last time. I was at the lowest point of my life in 2021. Because of her death, I rejected the offer to be retained in my firm. But somehow, I retracted back lol. Kinda embarrassing but it was a good decision to stay anyway, because I got myself new friends <3

    Fast forward, I finally had my graduation ceremony in 2022 (2 years later than the actual year!!). Quite late but better than none, right? But of course, I was a bit sad, because you weren't there to witness it. I tried my best to not be sad you know? You were also not there for my long call ceremony. I cried like a baby on my long call day knowing that you were no longer around. Especially when the Judge consoled me at her closing speech :'')) Both events were super meaningful to me, I'm just going to assume that you're watching me from the sky or something :') Oh yeah, I got myself a brand new car. Although it's not a fancy brand. but it's good enough to teleport me everywhere :]]

    Now? I just finished my 1 year PQE as a lawyer on 24th September 2022. To be honest ibu, I'm scared to start anew. I've grown to be comfortable at my old firm after 1 year and 11 months with them. But I need to go out and venture on new things, so I decided to quit. (ok lol to be honest it was done on impulse...) But, do I regret? Probably, but I think it's a sign that I still need to leave and start a new job. So yeah, I don't know what to expect for my new job. Probably I would be busier than ever! Haha anything to keep the food on the table, kan?

    Love life? Sorry ibu to disappoint you but your daughter is just SO bad at it. She's had countless FAILED talking stages to the point that she's giving up lol. I got hurt so bad and MANY times *sighs*, when will I learn??? LOL okay lah partially my fault because I have fearful avoidant/anxious attachment and I'm bad at reciprocating so.. yeah, I'm no longer hoping for anything anymore... That's it, that's the only update on my love life hahaha :'))

    Whew, that's a long letter. See what happens when you left me way too soon? I have a lot more other things to say but I'm just going to focus on my small achievements in my life and some small life updates. Alright Ibu, just know that you'll always be on my mind and I love you. I'll write again when I have free time <3

- your one & only daughter -

my life, my choice

"Is it wrong if I don't want to get married?" I asked myself this question for few times after discussing with my school friends about getting a partner in life.

Today, I had a catch up session with two of my school friends and we talked about a lot of things. One of the things that we talked about is - of course, marriage. I don't mind talking about that since I know damn well that almost all my school friends already have their own partners, so it's inevitable for them to talk about their love life. I also enjoy listening to them talking about their relationships as long as it's not too much lmao.

Suddenly, both of them turned to me and asked me, if I have a boyfriend. I told them, "Nope, I'm currently busy thinking about my future career and stuff, also I don't think I would get married because I don't like men around me and I just don't like men in general lmao." But both of them were quite dissatisfied with my answer and they kept on bugging me, saying things like, girl, don't worry you'll find the right one, yadda yadda. 

I somehow got a bit annoyed so I just told them, look, the reason why I think I wouldn't get married (for now) is because I don't think I really need a man in my life. I told them, 'hey don't you guys remember how much I hated marriage during school? And how I told y'all so many times that I think I wouldn't get married and see, I'm still single until now lmao, and things never changed, I stay the same with this mindset of not wanting to get married.'

However, they were still dissatisfied with my opinion, so they told me, if you don't get married, Prophet pbuh wouldn't consider you as his ummah, (so basically they were advising me about how important marriage is in Islam). Well they were not wrong though. I told myself, well I think I should just listen to them and not say anything because lmao I don't want to be lectured for another 30 minutes about marriage in Islam and its importance in life.

Then, I asked them, is it really that wrong for me to not get married? Once again, they advised me saying that women must get married no matter what. At that point, I just went 'ooh..' and just nodded. I just kept quiet and thought that, aahh no matter what I explain to them, they just wouldn't accept.

The reason why I wrote this is because I was frustrated the whole time when they were discussing about this. And I'm disappointed with the fact that my friends wouldn't accept my answers to their question. I guess their conservative minds wouldn't want to accept any excuses from me lmao. But seriously though, I really hate it when people shove their opinions on me, so that's why it irked me so much to the point that I have to write this down to cool down and forget about that conversation.

Back to the question that I asked myself, I really wonder if it is really wrong for me to opt to be single? I am definitely not an asexual, but what I know for now, I don't have the time to think about my love life. Sure, I love those romance dramas on TV but I just don't think it's necessary. Also, I became scared of marriage ever since I had to see my own family members (including extended family members) going through divorces or separations. Shits like that scarred me so badly that thinking about it would make me wanna weep. Imagine if I eventually get married (who knows, we don't know about God's plans right?), and I have to go through shits like that again? I might as well kill myself or ??? I don't know. For the religion part, I agree with it but it's eventually up to God to decide if it's sinful or whatnot if I don't want to get married. Life is not all about marriage to me and there is so much more to life other than marriage. There is nothing wrong for a person to choose to devote their life to marriage, and there is also nothing wrong for a person to choose to be single for their whole life...

I don't mind being single, and I don't care if people around me want to date or fuck around. It's up to them, and it's their choice. Also, it's up TO ME to choose to get married or not, since it's MY CHOICE. The one who's gonna live my life is ME so of course I should be able to make my own choice. Okay this is going nowhere anyways, but yeah, I just feel really sad seeing how my friends didn't understand me. But that's understandable since I never opened up to them about how screwed my life is and how challenges that I went through had shaped my mindset this way. Probably this is also the reason why I could not open up.. It's because I just want people to listen to me, and try to understand, and not to give me some whack excuses.. (I've opened up to one of them before about having a broken family, but sadly she didn't understand so that's why until now, I couldn't open up easily to close friends).

That's all,,, I wish I could open up to my close friends about the situations in my life without any worries or prejudices. 😞😞😞

(c) jtbc's Diary of A Prosecutor (aka War of Prosecutors)

-- THIS was exactly my reaction/facial expression throughout that conversation LMAOOOO--