my life, my choice

"Is it wrong if I don't want to get married?" I asked myself this question for few times after discussing with my school friends about getting a partner in life.

Today, I had a catch up session with two of my school friends and we talked about a lot of things. One of the things that we talked about is - of course, marriage. I don't mind talking about that since I know damn well that almost all my school friends already have their own partners, so it's inevitable for them to talk about their love life. I also enjoy listening to them talking about their relationships as long as it's not too much lmao.

Suddenly, both of them turned to me and asked me, if I have a boyfriend. I told them, "Nope, I'm currently busy thinking about my future career and stuff, also I don't think I would get married because I don't like men around me and I just don't like men in general lmao." But both of them were quite dissatisfied with my answer and they kept on bugging me, saying things like, girl, don't worry you'll find the right one, yadda yadda. 

I somehow got a bit annoyed so I just told them, look, the reason why I think I wouldn't get married (for now) is because I don't think I really need a man in my life. I told them, 'hey don't you guys remember how much I hated marriage during school? And how I told y'all so many times that I think I wouldn't get married and see, I'm still single until now lmao, and things never changed, I stay the same with this mindset of not wanting to get married.'

However, they were still dissatisfied with my opinion, so they told me, if you don't get married, Prophet pbuh wouldn't consider you as his ummah, (so basically they were advising me about how important marriage is in Islam). Well they were not wrong though. I told myself, well I think I should just listen to them and not say anything because lmao I don't want to be lectured for another 30 minutes about marriage in Islam and its importance in life.

Then, I asked them, is it really that wrong for me to not get married? Once again, they advised me saying that women must get married no matter what. At that point, I just went 'ooh..' and just nodded. I just kept quiet and thought that, aahh no matter what I explain to them, they just wouldn't accept.

The reason why I wrote this is because I was frustrated the whole time when they were discussing about this. And I'm disappointed with the fact that my friends wouldn't accept my answers to their question. I guess their conservative minds wouldn't want to accept any excuses from me lmao. But seriously though, I really hate it when people shove their opinions on me, so that's why it irked me so much to the point that I have to write this down to cool down and forget about that conversation.

Back to the question that I asked myself, I really wonder if it is really wrong for me to opt to be single? I am definitely not an asexual, but what I know for now, I don't have the time to think about my love life. Sure, I love those romance dramas on TV but I just don't think it's necessary. Also, I became scared of marriage ever since I had to see my own family members (including extended family members) going through divorces or separations. Shits like that scarred me so badly that thinking about it would make me wanna weep. Imagine if I eventually get married (who knows, we don't know about God's plans right?), and I have to go through shits like that again? I might as well kill myself or ??? I don't know. For the religion part, I agree with it but it's eventually up to God to decide if it's sinful or whatnot if I don't want to get married. Life is not all about marriage to me and there is so much more to life other than marriage. There is nothing wrong for a person to choose to devote their life to marriage, and there is also nothing wrong for a person to choose to be single for their whole life...

I don't mind being single, and I don't care if people around me want to date or fuck around. It's up to them, and it's their choice. Also, it's up TO ME to choose to get married or not, since it's MY CHOICE. The one who's gonna live my life is ME so of course I should be able to make my own choice. Okay this is going nowhere anyways, but yeah, I just feel really sad seeing how my friends didn't understand me. But that's understandable since I never opened up to them about how screwed my life is and how challenges that I went through had shaped my mindset this way. Probably this is also the reason why I could not open up.. It's because I just want people to listen to me, and try to understand, and not to give me some whack excuses.. (I've opened up to one of them before about having a broken family, but sadly she didn't understand so that's why until now, I couldn't open up easily to close friends).

That's all,,, I wish I could open up to my close friends about the situations in my life without any worries or prejudices. 😞😞😞

(c) jtbc's Diary of A Prosecutor (aka War of Prosecutors)

-- THIS was exactly my reaction/facial expression throughout that conversation LMAOOOO--

tldr; separation sucks!

took this picture for fun & i colored it bnw &
edited motion blur for this 'haunting' feeling.

Throughout 22 years of living, I had to go through the worst phase in my life, twice. I was only 11 when I was 'forced' by the Almighty to g through the phase & the second phase (read: separation) happened 10 years after, when I was 21.

Separation is a really cruel process (or phase in life). I can barely do anything about it. I never knew that I had to go through this phase again only after 10 years later. 

During the first separation phase in my life, I didn't really understand... I was sad I couldn't even see that person anymore.. Lord had separated us and she went to a better place, probably heaven. And I was left alone in a hell, knowing barely anything about life. I was clueless... a lost child who had to learn everything on her own. The struggle...? :|

The second separation phase...? I thought it wouldn't hurt as bad as the first one since I went through it, but jeez!!! I thought being an adult (or young adult or whatever) would make it easier for me to go through such horror. I told myself, okay this too, shall pass! But that was definitely not the case. What I got in return was... I was in confusion, regret, resentment... and many other complex feelings. I had a nightmare about this horror before, but I didn't expect that it would actually happen.. Just like 10 years ago, or maybe worse, I had no one to talk to about this. I spent my Raya Eid in my room. I didn't have the courage to meet anyone. My family didn't go back to hometown as usual. I deactivated all my social accounts. I felt helpless and spent the whole month crying alone in the room. That was a hell. I felt sorry for her as she also had to go through this separation as well. Although this time, I can at least see her again, because the 'separation' was different than before (I'm thankful for this though...) 

Now, it's 2020. 6 months have passed since then. I have nothing to hope for but for my life to get better after this, and to gain more strength?... I just wish that I could have someone whom I would trust, to offer me a shoulder to lean on because that's what I really really really really really really need. Or maybe, I hope I have strength to open up to people so I don't have to carry the burden silently all by myself.. *sighs*

----- This post is super depressing, I'm sorry to anyone who reads this (if ada lol). also, FML i h8 everyone :))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) 

my fav song atm;; it's my life anthem;;