tldr; separation sucks!

took this picture for fun & i colored it bnw &
edited motion blur for this 'haunting' feeling.

Throughout 22 years of living, I had to go through the worst phase in my life, twice. I was only 11 when I was 'forced' by the Almighty to g through the phase & the second phase (read: separation) happened 10 years after, when I was 21.

Separation is a really cruel process (or phase in life). I can barely do anything about it. I never knew that I had to go through this phase again only after 10 years later. 

During the first separation phase in my life, I didn't really understand... I was sad I couldn't even see that person anymore.. Lord had separated us and she went to a better place, probably heaven. And I was left alone in a hell, knowing barely anything about life. I was clueless... a lost child who had to learn everything on her own. The struggle...? :|

The second separation phase...? I thought it wouldn't hurt as bad as the first one since I went through it, but jeez!!! I thought being an adult (or young adult or whatever) would make it easier for me to go through such horror. I told myself, okay this too, shall pass! But that was definitely not the case. What I got in return was... I was in confusion, regret, resentment... and many other complex feelings. I had a nightmare about this horror before, but I didn't expect that it would actually happen.. Just like 10 years ago, or maybe worse, I had no one to talk to about this. I spent my Raya Eid in my room. I didn't have the courage to meet anyone. My family didn't go back to hometown as usual. I deactivated all my social accounts. I felt helpless and spent the whole month crying alone in the room. That was a hell. I felt sorry for her as she also had to go through this separation as well. Although this time, I can at least see her again, because the 'separation' was different than before (I'm thankful for this though...) 

Now, it's 2020. 6 months have passed since then. I have nothing to hope for but for my life to get better after this, and to gain more strength?... I just wish that I could have someone whom I would trust, to offer me a shoulder to lean on because that's what I really really really really really really need. Or maybe, I hope I have strength to open up to people so I don't have to carry the burden silently all by myself.. *sighs*

----- This post is super depressing, I'm sorry to anyone who reads this (if ada lol). also, FML i h8 everyone :))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) 

my fav song atm;; it's my life anthem;;