When can I smile again?

For the past two years, I was lost and felt all alone all the time. Every single day, I have to struggle and fight with my own soul. At first , I could keep away those sad feeling and anxiety but they keep haunting me after that.

Not sure if I was having depression or just sad. But I've read about depression and I was having the same symptoms in severe condition. (click here for more info) I haven't meet any psychiatric so far so I'm still until now not sure whether I was having depression or not. get it?

I was just an average student in my school. Got average grades because I'm not a special intelligent kid. I have to study like shit if I want to achieve excellent results but I'm just not into that kind of studying method so meh. But after going through shit(depression maybe), my grades were falling. Quite bad actually. :/ 

Besides, I was really alone. Especially when I don't even have anyone to talk to. My mom passed away when I was 11. While my dad's really busy. I have a stepmother but I rarely talk to her. My siblings? We're no longer close since my late mother left us. Well, I really miss those times. However, those are just memories. Such bittersweet memories. What about friends? Well I tried to talk to them but well they don't really know how to console me or they don't really understand. It wasn't that easy. Maybe I was just a silhouette to them. Well, it's okay....

During those 2 years, suicidal thoughts were always on my mind. (and right now, i still have these suicidal thoughts.) but until now, i'm still alive. Alhamdulillah. My religion (Islam) forbids us to commit suicide. And I'm such a coward because I'm quite scared of death even tho I feel like dying. 

And now? Trying my best to fight this awful feeling. Even tho my heart is screaming loudly that it hurts, I still need to find strength and stand up for myself. I know life isn't all about rainbows,candies and unicorns. We all know that. 

Hopefully I could throw away all these bad feelings inside me. . . . (i'm posting this because i've been keeping this shit for too long. 2 years might be short to you but this shit is killing me inside out)

Foundation in Law - UiTM or IPG?

Assalamualaikum.

It has been awhile since UPU result came out on May 6th, 2015. Alhamdulillah, I received an offer from UiTM (University Teknologi Mara) -- Foundation in Law (KPTM). At first, I didn't expect anything since I was quite sad when I checked the matriculation result before. (Because I didn't get the offer, so I was really sad lol)

I got the second choice so I was quite sad too. (ok don't bash me i was just sad ok). My first choice was Foundation in Human Sciences in IIUM. I didn't get my first choice , I was quite surprised lol because my results were okay for that course and for Law too. But, I should be grateful since I got the offer. There're a lot of my friends didn't get any offer, I feel bad for them. :( Girls, be strong and stay strong!!!

Praise be to God, I already bought a lot of stuffs rn. hahahaha yeap way too early i guess. I guess I was really eager because I never got any chance to stay at hostel or dorm. So,,,, this is my opportunity. And I actually registered for Form 6 (and studied for awhile, it was great, I had fun and I loved the Mathematics T aka Math Teruk teacher hahaha and my new school was really big and nicer than my previous school ahah!). But I quit the school after 2 weeks.

Although I got a good course (to me, this course is superbbbbb!!! and I like criminology + psychology). UNFORTUNATELY, my parents at first didn't like my course (i don't even know why). Even though this course might be a killer course for students like me (i'm lazy liao), but I have passion in psychology and would like to continue my tertiary studies in psychology... And after discussinggg, they were okay, JUST OKAY with my choice.

Even though I already got the offer, I still have to wait for IPG result. The result will be out on 29/5 i guess, and I have to register on 2nd June for foundation in law. Well, still thinking just in case if I get the offer from IPG. Since my parents want me to go to IPG and continue my studies there but I just don't really like it :/ (except for the allowance ahahha) . Feeling lost and helpless rn. Hopefully I'll choose correctly or I might regret later.

Fighting has been enjoined upon you while it is hateful to you. But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah knows,while you know not. --Al-Quran // 2:216-- 

AND IN CASE I DON'T GET THE IPG OFFER, SEE YOU PPL IN UITM SHAH ALAM AND THE NEW CAMPUS (FOR SEM 2, I GUESS) UITM DENGKIL WOOT WOOT. hahahaha.

UPDATE : I'm currently studying in.... UITM! ^^

and here's another post about semester one in uitm! BYE :D