When can I smile again?

For the past two years, I was lost and felt all alone all the time. Every single day, I have to struggle and fight with my own soul. At first , I could keep away those sad feeling and anxiety but they keep haunting me after that.

Not sure if I was having depression or just sad. But I've read about depression and I was having the same symptoms in severe condition. (click here for more info) I haven't meet any psychiatric so far so I'm still until now not sure whether I was having depression or not. get it?

I was just an average student in my school. Got average grades because I'm not a special intelligent kid. I have to study like shit if I want to achieve excellent results but I'm just not into that kind of studying method so meh. But after going through shit(depression maybe), my grades were falling. Quite bad actually. :/ 

Besides, I was really alone. Especially when I don't even have anyone to talk to. My mom passed away when I was 11. While my dad's really busy. I have a stepmother but I rarely talk to her. My siblings? We're no longer close since my late mother left us. Well, I really miss those times. However, those are just memories. Such bittersweet memories. What about friends? Well I tried to talk to them but well they don't really know how to console me or they don't really understand. It wasn't that easy. Maybe I was just a silhouette to them. Well, it's okay....

During those 2 years, suicidal thoughts were always on my mind. (and right now, i still have these suicidal thoughts.) but until now, i'm still alive. Alhamdulillah. My religion (Islam) forbids us to commit suicide. And I'm such a coward because I'm quite scared of death even tho I feel like dying. 

And now? Trying my best to fight this awful feeling. Even tho my heart is screaming loudly that it hurts, I still need to find strength and stand up for myself. I know life isn't all about rainbows,candies and unicorns. We all know that. 

Hopefully I could throw away all these bad feelings inside me. . . . (i'm posting this because i've been keeping this shit for too long. 2 years might be short to you but this shit is killing me inside out)